Blog 7: Project 1 cont'd.

We are at a restaurant in the old neighborhood, and my mom points out my old doctor at the next table.  Maybe I should go speak to him.  She doesn't know what I have recently found out about my condition of infertility because it is too painful to bare.  He was my doctor when I wasn't listening to the surgeons and oncologists about their advice on pregnancy.  I went to him and told him that I was trying and there must be something wrong because I can't get pregnant (age 40).  He tells me to get a puppy, but I persist, and he finally agrees to set up some testing.  The results show no mechanical reason for my failure to conceive.  A few years later, signs of cancer show up in the lower part of my body so I go to another type of recommended oncologist, a colleague of my breast cancer doctor in the city.  I had already given up, didn't have $60,000 to adopt a child and the more reasonably priced, Christian ones said they couldn't give me a baby because they looked at my medical history and said I might die!  So could any parent when they walk out their door in the morning.  The bad news was that they saw something, but believed they could fix it, the pre-cancerous condition I mean.  The really bad news was that when they shot my insides up on a monitor, he showed me that my cervix had been closed over by scar tissue that had developed from a procedure that had been done by my old doctor years ago.  Did he intentionally not tell me?!?  Something was definitely mechanically wrong with me inside!  Did he realize it was a result of something he had done and just couldn't be bothered.  I went to him since I was eighteen, for over twenty years, and he chose not to help me?  I'll never know because I couldn't stop shaking when I saw him that night, let alone ask him or speak with him about it.  This is all much too difficult and it is easier to tell myself that all things happen for a reason.

Don't know how to end this because there is no end to the pain it has caused me.  I will ache from this and continue to act like it's no big deal and be happy for my friends as they had their children and have their grandchildren today.  I will continue to ask myself was this a punishment, fate, or a life-saving choice made by a higher power.